The longest goodbye

It's one that has been coming for awhile now, and we are all staring it in the face, wondering when it will happen. More over, wondering when I will have the nerve to go through with it. Emmy my 18 y/o cat is at that point. The one where I know I should do something, but I can't. I know that this isn't about me and it's about her, but I can't let her go yet. Every time she has a bad day I think okay I'll make the appointment; then she turns around and has several good days and I think, wow I'm glad I didn't.  I know I am holding on for me, but she's all there. Mentally she's fine, most of the time. She has her moments, but mostly it's when her arthritis hurts her that I think okay now.

I wrote that last month....we went to the vet, started to medicate her and she started to get better.  Then she went off her meds and I couldn't get her to take them. (they were crushed in her food and she would eat around them, or lick the food off and spit them back out.) I called the vet ordered new medication for her and was all set to pick it up and she disappeared. Okay for those who don't know we live on farm. We don't have a fence, Emmy has never been an inside kitty as she never wanted to be; there is just to much to explore. She's always lived in the garage with her bed, cat house, etc.... It's been 9 days. She's done this many times before, and every time as I am ready to give up hope that she's coming back she does. This time I don't think she will. Every morning I go out looking for her to be in her spot on the rug, but she's not there. I told myself I would give her time before I gave up on her. I think I was tyring to buy myself some time before I had to realize that she was gone.

Today I will get her go, I will mourn her and I will miss her every day. She's been with me longer than any pet. This goodbye is hopefully the last one I will have to do for awhile.

I wrote the second part on thursday of last week. I still couldn't bring myself to post it. I think about her every day, but there are days that I am just to busy to dwell on her. Then there are the early mornings before I go out to exercise that I am alone, those are the hardest. Those are the times that I can't control my thoughts and I can't push aside my grief.

I miss her.

 

Emmy 1994-2012